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It’s the parents’ responsibility, not the community’s

Published/Last Modified on Sunday, Nov 11, 2007 - 06:08:51 am MST

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I have been reading the comments in the Herald/Review concerning the recent deaths of local teenagers. It appears some people think the problem can be solved by the city government or “the community.”

Chris Campas states in the Herald/Review on Oct. 31 that the community must begin to have a dialogue without pointing any fingers at anyone — sort of an “it takes a village” kind of approach without saying anything that might hurt someone’s feelings. Good luck with that, but I don’t think it is going to help.

The problem with this kind of thinking is it supposes that raising children is a community responsibility instead of a personal one. City Hall isn’t responsible for making sure I know where my children are any more than City Hall is responsible for making them clean their rooms. The city doesn’t need to make places for my kids to go in the middle of the night. They already have a place — it’s called home. Each of us must take responsibility for our own lives and that includes our children. We made them, we look after them. Knowing where they are all the time is one of the fundamental responsibilities of a parent. That’s not being idealistic, it’s just Parenting 101.

The community’s role is limited to establishing the laws and regulations for our city through our elected representatives that we all believe are in our best interest to live by. Once we establish these laws then we need to abide by them and, in turn, teach our children to abide by them. The police aren’t trying to scare anyone by highlighting the numerous violations of the law that helped result in the deaths of the teenagers in August, they are just pointing out the consequences. If we can’t teach our children to abide by the laws that are established for their safety and that of the community, the police will be forced to step in. They are not targeting our youths; they are informing us of the consequences of our failure to teach our children how to behave and the consequences for those who would lead them astray. That is the job we gave them to do.

We have become accustomed to seeing dysfunctional families in our communities. Children in these homes are often left to their own devices and are given little guidance in how to make good choices in life. These homes seem more common now but they’ve been around for a long time. I came from such a home myself.

But it isn’t the city’s job to fix the situation for us nor do we want them to. We must fix personal problems ourselves and quit blaming the lack of a skateboard park for the fact that our child has become a juvenile delinquent. When the authorities get involved in the disciplining of our children, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with our community, it means there is something wrong with us.

I hope parents in this community are talking to their kids about these deaths — that those annoying curfews and rules we impose on them are designed to keep them safe. Yet some people in this town seem to see these teens as tragic heroes that died for some noble cause. I guess I don’t see it that way. Their young lives were snuffed out too early because no one was able to teach them how to make good choices. It is a shame. I can’t even imagine the pain of such a loss and pray I never have to experience it myself.

However, I don’t believe the community needs to beat itself up over these deaths or to try and come up with some contrived social solution. I think instead of a communitywide, hand-wringing dialogue about a problem we as a group can’t do anything about that individual parents should have a private conversation with their own children about how to avoid a similar fate.

Leave “the community” out of it. It isn’t the community’s job to raise our children. It is ours.

CHRISTOPHER ZIMMERMAN is a native Arizonan. He and his wife have two children and have lived in Sierra Vista for more than seven years.

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innocent bystander? wrote on Nov 19, 2007 9:39 AM:

" Ok, lets not take this thing out of context. Who was the innocent bystander? As far as I know, they were all participants of questionable behavior by their own choice. They shouldn't willfully be at the scene of a crime if they don't want to be brought under question. Actual "innocent bystander" fatalities is rare, but if it happened to me, I would have some serious issues of forgiveness to deal with. The best way to guarantee that our kids witll remain safe is to parent them correctly which no amount of $ can buy. "

Guess I was lucky wrote on Nov 18, 2007 11:17 PM:

" A kid in the fifties with parents who were there and let our backyard be a place for kids. There have always been parents who didn't know how to parent. There have always been kids who became successful productive parents in spite of this. Thank goodness my parents were there for any kid who needed someone to listen and feed someone who was hungry. They touched alot of lives and did not complain. They lived the 'Golden Rule.' Gossip was not allowed. There are many of you who do the same. Thanks. "

To wrote on Nov 18, 2007 9:13 PM:

" The only reason people spend so much money to protect their material possesions is because some people never teach their kids that theft or vandalism is wrong. I pay more than enough in taxes to support this "community" and get nothing in return except demands for more of my money to try and fix the end result of bad parenting. "

Yeah, but.... wrote on Nov 18, 2007 8:09 PM:

" Realistically, we know that we have to co-exist with children from the effects of bad parenting. I'm wondering if the situation was different, like if one of your kid was killed as a innocent bystander by another kid who engage in risky behaviors, would you still feel no responsibility to invest in the community for our youth? What if it took "X" amount of monies to keep your children safe, either directly or indirectly? We spend so much money to invest and insure in material possessions but feel no obligation to invest in our communities. "

Not a villager wrote on Nov 18, 2007 7:16 PM:

" I'd like to point out to everyone claiming that it's "society's" job to raise your ill mannered kids that *you* chose to have them and it's *your* job to raise them. "

SV Parent wrote on Nov 18, 2007 6:35 PM:

" Since when is it a the city's job to entertain and keep our kids occupied? For me, I was raised to believe my kids are my responsibility, and no-one elses. What we have here is a severe lack of parenting and guidance by alot of so-called parents. And when these kids go out and do something idiotic, they want to blame SV for not entertaining their kids, and not teaching them right from wrong. Lazy parenting is the whole problem, that's the problem, it seems like everybody wants the city/government to fix their problems for them instead of taking responsibility. "

the village wrote on Nov 18, 2007 6:17 PM:

" Lots of community members come into a child/teen's life--parents, grandparents, neighbors, teachers, law enforcement, ministers, youth workers, bus drivers, city and county elected officials, store owners, waitpersons, everyone--that is the village--doesn't mean that one takes the role of the parent--just mean they have influence. This was the idea long ago in native american villages, african villages, etc. "

Ted Jr. wrote on Nov 18, 2007 6:06 PM:

" For anyone who believe that the schools and community of Sierra Vista need to help you raise your bad kids.....get out of Sierra Vista. Schools are here to educate. It is not SVPS job to teach your kid(s) how to act. That's your job!!! If your child can't behave and make good decesions, that's on you the parent. And as for the community....I would love to teach your kids how to act. It's not that hard! That, "go to time-out Johnny" don't cut it.. "

ChildFREE and Proud wrote on Nov 18, 2007 4:20 PM:

" If more "parents" would take responsibility for their children and instil some form on discipline in them, we would have less incidents of out of control kids hurting themselves or others. Like "I Didn't Breed" already stated, I'll only join the "village" if I can discipline ill mannered kids in public. Otherwise, keep your kids off my lawn and out of my way. "

Jo wrote on Nov 18, 2007 4:18 PM:

" I agree that this space shouldn't be used for lame attacks and name calling, but I am not interested in the opinion of a person who spells like a 7 year old or uses text-speak to try and make their point. "

Jo wrote on Nov 18, 2007 4:07 PM:

" Huzzah! Well said Christopher. I did not need a skate park or some other community activity to raise me right. My PARENTS gave me something to do and taught me how to keep myself entertained. My PARENTS taught me right from wrong. There is no one to blame but my parents and my own choices for me becoming who I am today. "

Seriously..... wrote on Nov 18, 2007 3:10 PM:

" Will more facilities and more "things to do" take the place of bad parenting? Will these places teach children right from wrong? Will these places teach them not to drink while underage? Will these places teach them to love thy neighbor? Will these places teach these children good choices? No. It's the parents' responsibility from the moment that child is conceived till they're adults living on their own. It doesn't stop there, either. Parents need to raise their kids.... not just pop them out and let them run amok. "

Get a Life wrote on Nov 18, 2007 12:25 PM:

" Rediculous People and the other grammar police need to get a life. There is a scant 100 word space here to cram an idea into. I understood what "SV Parent of a Teenager" was trying to say, why couldn't you? I may not entirely agree with them, but I got the message. You just did not like their message so you attacked its format. This space shoud be used for discussion, not lame attacks and name calling. "

Agree with Rediculous People wrote on Nov 18, 2007 6:11 AM:

" even though "ridiculous" isn't spelled correctly. "SV Parent of Teenager" apparently never learned to use punctuation. Ditto with respect to analysis. Glad she's leaving. I don't want to raise her kid. I've already raised my own. He's a responsible young man who knows that there are consequences, both good and bad, for anything he does. He's making good choices and learned from the mistakes others have made vs. having to experience it firsthand. It's all about personal responsibility! "

To Rediculous people wrote on Nov 18, 2007 1:55 AM:

" I understood what 'SV Parenent of teenager said. But your sentence structure and your comments do not make sense. That is what RIDICULOUS is. and now you know how to spell it. I am glad I was raised by parents who taught us not to say whatever came into our heads. And now I have to move my wrist band to the other arm since I have criticized some one. So mch for my trying to always be positive and not talk about someone negatively. Forgive me Mom. "

gloria wrote on Nov 18, 2007 1:47 AM:

" Talk about shocked! My 36 year old son decided to 'confess' something form his teenaged years--where he and his friends kept their beer. He is a successful businessman Sunday School teacher today Did have problems with him when he was young. Raised him in church. Family meals morning and evening. Supervised homework. Teens often try to experience life whether we like it or not. They are in that 'in-between time.' Not a child and not an adult. Learning time is what I call it. Name-calling makes losers 'feel better.' "

Rediculous People wrote on Nov 17, 2007 5:15 PM:

" I would like to ask "SV Parent of teenager" to rephrase their comment into some sort of coherent english, make some sense at all, and then criticize the whole Sierra Vista community , then point out all these better schools you claim to "believe and have seen"...whatever that means "

Jacque wrote on Nov 17, 2007 12:17 PM:

" Christopher, thank you for writing, so clearly, what I feel. Parents need parenting classes, not the community. I'm happy to help, but don't place the load for raising your kids at my door! "

SV is a pretty place but lacks wrote on Nov 17, 2007 10:40 AM:

" you spend 45 minutes driving around and NOT finding it. The only bowling alley is on the fort where you wait to get a pass. The miniature golf course here really needs help. It doesn't even come close to what I've seen in other areas. We have 2 golf courses though and driving ranges. It would be nice to see something everyone can enjoy. A skate park is nice, but we need activities all ages can enjoy and not geared to only one age group. "

SV is a pretty place but lacks wrote on Nov 17, 2007 10:33 AM:

" As an adult(who is 49)I can say Sierra Vista is a pretty town with great weather, but needs so much help with family enjoyment. One riding stable on the fort. First, you spend 15 minutes getting logged in. They tell you to pull up to the fence and if there are more than 2 cars they don't work down the line. After 2 cars that came in after me got passes, I got out of my car(there were 5 cars lined up, but they only went down 3 cars). You are given a map that is not updated....continued "

solidox wrote on Nov 17, 2007 10:11 AM:

" christopher zimmerman, thank you. you've hit the nail on the head and you've given me some hope for this town. i wish we had more citizens like you. "

Amanda wrote on Nov 17, 2007 7:32 AM:

" It's about time! Hear hear, Mr. Zimmerman!! "

last comment wrote on Nov 16, 2007 5:04 PM:

" Obviously we are on two different trajectories that will never meet. I do have children. whether an activity will cause trouble is not the deciding factor in choice by youth. Whether it is exciting or stimulating is. Our biggest hurdle is having them stimulated legally. As for perception of a problem, no matter who percieves it, it exists. Maybe not to you, but surely to those who are disgruntled for whatever reason, right or wrong. Their perception of the problem will surely have an impact on us, good or bad. Finally, I'm grateful that this will be your last comment! "

Last comment here wrote on Nov 16, 2007 9:10 AM:

" Not sure what it is that you aren't reading in my comments, so this will be my last. Communities all over the world (INCLUDING OURS) ARE trying to help these kids and they generally don't participate in community services where they can't get into trouble. There ARE things for them to do out there, but they would rather cause problems. Only their parents or the courts will be able to stop them. Also, since when do we trust the perception of children as fact? Maybe you don't have children? "

The Courts? wrote on Nov 16, 2007 7:46 AM:

" Letting the courts deal with problem youth costs this community much more of your money than finding ways solve the problem before hand. After the courts have hardened these individuals they are right back in the community and we never stop paying. Once a person has a record they are many times more likely to continue in those negative ways. Heading it off before hand is not insane. It IS "our job" to prevent crime in this community. Doing nothing before hand and then paying the courts to handle it later IS insane. "

Great Parents wrote on Nov 16, 2007 7:38 AM:

" Again you miss the point and try to insert some contrary issue into the discussion (welfare etc...). There currently are and always will be bad parents in this community. their kids and kids from famlies like yours are out on the streets right now. They percieve a problem with this town (where there is a perception of a problem, there is a problem)and they are causing and getting into trouble. That is a fact. This community can try and solve the problem (possible $) or let the courts do it (definate $). No one is removing your right to parent. "

To Great Parents? wrote on Nov 15, 2007 8:53 PM:

" I think you are the one missing the point. When we make it "our job" to care for other peoples children, then we are "bailing out" the parents. That is exactly what has happened with the invention of welfare. It had good intentions, but because its recipients generally don't, a bad situation has become worse. Now we have able bodied people who would rather collect welfare than work. Absolutely, let the court system do its job. Thats what they're there for! too convienient for them to "

Great Parents wrote on Nov 15, 2007 8:13 AM:

" You totally miss the point. These parents are not the ones needing bailled out. Too many parents will never provide the guidance their kids need! Their children are still out and about in our community and our schools. To say past failures in discussion or action mean we should not try and deal with these issues is absurd. One way or the other we will deal with it. Even if it is the court system, we still pay the cost. It we provide alternatives in the community that keep even a few out of court it is worth it. "

To Great Parents? wrote on Nov 15, 2007 5:18 AM:

" Being a bad parent by choice is ridiculous. Being a bad parent because one lacks skills is even more ridiculous. It's common sense. You don't let your kids do whatever they want whenever they want. You teach them right from wrong. You teach them how to become productive, contributing members of society. You model priorities. "

To "Great Parents?" wrote on Nov 14, 2007 9:42 PM:

" Unfortunately, the children of absentee parents don't WANT to participate in community programs. If they show up, its usually just just long enough "hook up" to more trouble. Read the statistics. A task for for these types of kids has never been successful in keeping them out of trouble. In fact, it seems that the more we try to bail-out the parents from THEIR responsibilities to take care of their children, the worse the situation becomes! Hhmm! "

Great Parents? wrote on Nov 14, 2007 3:21 PM:

" I am glad Mr. Zimmerman is such a wonderful parent. Unfortunately, too many parents are not, either by choice or because of they lack the skills. The children of these parents are all over our community and we all have to deal with the issues. It absolutely is the community's job to deal with them and their issues! Dialog as suggested by Mr. Campas is a logical place to start. The city, county and schools should have a task force to deal with youth issues (crime, recreation, jobs etc...). Leaving community "out of it" only makes things worse! "

Jacqueline O'Connor wrote on Nov 14, 2007 10:20 AM:

" Well said. Thanks for writing what many believe. "

My opinion wrote on Nov 13, 2007 12:02 PM:

" Well written article. I believe it is the city's responsibility to create opportunities for our youth to participate in positive activities (Parks and Leisure). However, the city can't make these youth take part. Knowing what your kids are doing lies in the hands of the parents! We usually refer to this as PARENTING! "

I didn't breed for a reason. wrote on Nov 12, 2007 8:07 PM:

" Agreed. If I wanted to be bothered by kids, I'd have my own. And if any of you really expect me to help raise your kids, then you better not complain when I see them mis-behaving when they're out and about and take their phones. And iPods. And keys to their expensive cars. And laptops. And wads of cash. Because I believe if kids have to earn what they have, they'll appreciate it more, and that includes the right to be a part of society. So ... you want my help or not? "

Print it again! wrote on Nov 12, 2007 8:07 PM:

" Thank you Christopher for an excellent article written. It is MY right and privilege to raise my children. I don't ever want to see that taken away by anyone, including "well meaning" government programs which are mostly designed to encourage people towards a reliance on government. We as parents are still the responsible parties for our children (children just don't seem to appreciate that fact) and if we relinquish that responsibility to someone/something else, you can be sure we will answer to God for that. "

Another fact wrote on Nov 12, 2007 7:39 PM:

" Anybody who is critical on those drunken kids are NOT being "cruel", or "heartless"! We are the smart ones here! We may be called "hippocrites", but oh freakin well! "

A Teacher wrote on Nov 12, 2007 7:03 PM:

" I couldn't agree with you more. Some parents want the community to raise their kids. They blame the schools for everything their kids don't know. It never occurs to them to teach their children themselves. At least one family sued a district because the daughter got pregnant- the school didn't teach abstinence. I wouldn't be surprised if someone sues SVPS because the schools didn't teach the kids to stay sober and stay at home. "

SV Parent of teenager wrote on Nov 12, 2007 10:13 AM:

" I talked with my child over these deaths and he grieved and I for one will be leaving Sierra Vista and it's schools since I believe and have seen better schools support and help for teenagers and parents alike. *It takes a village*, is a school and community including all working together when a student needs assistance in school. It is not a Hillary Clinton book. For those parents tired of this community I say move away and show this community just how dried up sierra vista,AZ will be without a community and no taxpayers. "

The Voice of Reason wrote on Nov 12, 2007 7:09 AM:

" FINALLY - a voice of reason! Thank you, Mr. Zimmerman, for so eloquently stating what many of us believe. Unfortunately, too many call us "mean," "cruel," and "heartless" when we voice our beliefs. Thank you, SV Herald, for printing the opposing viewpoint to Chris Campas' naive essay. "

Late Comer wrote on Nov 12, 2007 6:44 AM:

" TO 'it takes a village': I suppose the mantra has been around long before Hillary borrowed it for her book, but this thread isn't a class in historical linguistics. The phrase is widely recognized since she wrote her book with that title. If you actually read her book, you would concur that it was a very leftist outline of her socialist philosophy in which she lamented at how individual independence has been a national failure, which she proposes to cure by instituting more 'government leadership' at all levels. It's clearly a thinly disguised 'modern Marxist manifesto.' "

Bill wrote on Nov 11, 2007 6:47 PM:

" Thank you! Very well written! "

it takes a village wrote on Nov 11, 2007 6:24 PM:

" it takes a village was around long before Hillary borroed for her book. "

Yup, that's it wrote on Nov 11, 2007 4:36 PM:

" It all starts at home. What a well-written piece. Well said, well said in deed. "

Observer wrote on Nov 11, 2007 11:46 AM:

" Bravo! Great wrap-up of the responsible comments on the Campas opinion piece. Your allusion to the Hillary theology ('It Takes a Village') highlights the social trap set by socialist engineers, into which many have fallen. It's an unfortunate mantra now taught on most American post-high school campuses. Campas is being well indoctrinated into it via his UofA studies. As a libertarian, I fully endorse your assertion that we don't need or want the 'village' (i.e. government) interfering with our personal freedoms and responsibilities. However, as to convincing Americans to revert to their original heritage, I fear it's too late. "

Joann wrote on Nov 11, 2007 10:21 AM:

" Amen, Christopher, good job. "

grandmother wrote on Nov 11, 2007 7:28 AM:

" For over 30 years, I was a teacher, a number of years in a high school. What I saw over and over was that teens follow their peers--they want to be accepted,they don't want to be different. There are some kids who don't, but that is more of a rarity. Teens often stray from their parents' teachings. It is nothing new. Consider the parable of the Prodigal Son. I was the quiet obedient daughter, my siblings confessed to Mother when they were grown--things she couldn't believe. They're successful adults today. "