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HEREFORD — On Sunday evening, the Hess and Davis families joined in a world-wide in a candle light vigil — a memorial to children who have died.
In front of the pictures of their two babies were five small candles. David Hess read: “As we light these five candles in honor of our loved ones, we light one for our grief; one for our courage; one for our memories, one for our love and one for our hope…”
The poem by Darcy Sims was read in The Compassionate Friends chapters throughout the United States as around the world the 10th annual ceremony, believed to be the largest mass-candle lighting, created a 24-hour wave of light around the world.
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David and Carey Hess and Tom and Lisa Davis know about despair. They both lost young daughters.
“What do I do now?”
That was the poignant question David asked the doctor after being told Sydney, his six-week old daughter, had died after receiving two open heart surgeries trying to repair a hole in her malformed heart.
That day in June 2002 changed his life and that of his wife, Carey.
“I held her and felt her last breath and her heart stop,” said David. “I just didn’t know what to do. It’s not supposed to be this way. The parents are supposed to die before the children.”
Though family and friends offered support, after a month or so, the couple found that their grief was not welcome. Where David worked word came down that he was not to talk about the death of his daughter to anyone at work. It was just too depressing he was told.
Even friends and family told them it was time to move on.
“It’s like a stigma,” said David. “People walked away and avoided us. Your address book changes. They think you can just stop and get on with your life, but it’s not that easy. People have to grieve in their own way.”
For the couple, things got particularly hard when David’s brother died several weeks later, and Carey’s aunt committed suicide. It was a lot to handle and they felt overwhelmed.
To cope with the loss of their new born girl and family, the couple heard of a group that offers support for such families in Tucson, The Compassionate Friends (TCF), a nationwide organization.
“They helped us,” said Carey. “Even though we knew she had problems and probably would not have lived, you just cannot prepare for the death of any loved one, especially your child.”
Finding out they were not alone was a great comfort. TCF offers a place to work through grief in one’s own way at one’s own pace. It’s nondenominational, and though most people turn to God in trying times for strength, being religious is not a prerequisite of sitting in.
“Everyone is welcome,” said Carey. “It doesn’t matter if the loss was yesterday or 20 years ago. It’s good to know there’s someplace you can go where people share what you’ve been through (and) know how you feel.”
They attended the group in Tucson for nearly a year and then began a chapter in Sierra Vista in 2003, which now has around 20 members.
The Davises are grateful for the Hesses’ commitment to bereaved parents and have joined the Hesses as facilitators.
They know how quickly tragedy can strike and how helpless one can feel. A trip back to Tom’s hometown in Idaho for Christmas in 2002 brought the couple face-to-face with a devastating accident that took the life of their 13-month-old daughter “Ellie.”
“It was time for her to get up from her nap, so I knocked on her door. She would always tell me ‘min’ for ‘come in.’ But, she didn’t answer,” Tom remembered. “When I went into her room, she was trapped in a ... a portable play pen ... We tried giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but she was gone. We couldn’t bring her back.”
When they heard of TCF in Sierra Vista, they immediately went to a meeting and found people who would listen to them and empathize with their situation.
“The thing about our circumstance,” said Tom, “was the guilt. Grief and guilt go hand-in-hand. You feel like there was something you could have done.”
Tom agreed. “It’s awful when you can’t fix it. We’re the men. We’re supposed to fix things. You feel angry because you were powerless to fix things.”
Husbands join wives at the meetings, because it is a place where they can let their feelings out freely.
“You have to let it out,” explained David, “so it doesn’t reach the point of becoming some uncontrollable release.”
Tom said, “We’re not tough guys in the group. We have a common bond. The man-thing just melts away.”
Lisa added, “Some men may try to close up, but the death of a child breaks them. They come and wind down. They cry. And they add a different prospective. It helps in relationships to know what they are going through.”
The group is open to anyone who wants to come.
Carey said, “Sometimes people come just once or twice, but then, when a birthday is close, they’ll show up. It doesn’t matter how often you attend. Just come whenever you need someone.”
The group meets the first Thursday of the month at Mountain View Assembly of God annex on Colombo Avenue in Sierra Vista. For more information, contact Carey at 803-0004, or Lisa at 803-7797, or visit www.compassionatefriends.org.
Herald/Review reporter Shar Porier can be reached at 515-4692 or by e-mail at shar.porier@bisbeereview.net.
TheSilverRose wrote on Jun 27, 2009 10:22 PM:
Thank You! "