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COMMENTARY BY PAT WICK
HERALD/REVIEW
This is not my story, but it is the story of a local woman willing to share about having children with brain-based disorders:
Living with a child who has a mental illness, or brain-based disorder as I prefer to call it, is much like living with any child who has a chronic illness. You worry, you want to protect them, you take delight in small signs of success over the illness, and you love them. In other ways, living with these children is different and especially isolating.
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I read an article written by a pediatrician comparing having a child with bipolar to having a child with diabetes. Much of it rang true. For example, if my child had diabetes, no one would insist that a change in my parenting style would cure the diabetes. It’s laughable, isn’t it? If my child had epilepsy, no one would suggest I overmedicated my child just because I didn’t want to deal with the seizures. We’d assume I wanted to prevent further brain damage.
Yet the misbehavior or odd behaviors that are the symptoms of mental illness are all we see and right now, the only ones we can measure. There are no throat swabs, no brain images, and no blood tests to confirm a diagnosis of bipolar, attachment disorder, schizoaffective disorders, ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, or most of the other brain-based disorders.
You might think if only those parents would grow a backbone, their kids would behave. Discipline them, maybe even spank them. But what good does it do to punish a child who is not in control of their brain? And what good does it do to spank a child who, because of the differences in his or her brain, doesn’t feel pain?
By the way, I do consequence my kids. After all, as I tell them, you may have a brain difference that makes it harder to make good decisions, but you still have to live with the consequences. But you can see how hard it is!
In many, if not most, cases, medication is the first step in regaining any ability to parent. You have to provide the child some help in controlling their uncontrollable behavior and often, talk therapy won’t work until the meds are effective.
Choosing medication for your child is scary. No one is sure what these meds will do long term or what they do to growing bodies. Even though research shows that early diagnosis and treatment, including medication, goes a long way to preventing self-medication with drugs or alcohol, parents who medicate their children face disapproval and nagging doubt.
Getting any diagnosis is hard. Getting the right diagnosis can add more time. Getting the right combination of medication and counseling and education and parenting can take years. It takes a skilled clinician to tell the difference between: the tantrum of ADHD, the mania of bipolar and the rage of attachment disorder. I’ve had a chance to see all three up close and personal in my children and frankly, I spend a lot of time confused. And with three children between ages 5 and 12, everything takes a lot of energy.
Everyone in a family with even one member who suffers from mental illness suffers along with them. The child who can’t understand why her sibling with bipolar is sweet to her one minute and unbelievably irritable and bullying the next. The stay-at-home parent who has a child who needs supervision “24/7” and can’t even go to the bathroom alone. The working parent who wonders how they will ever afford the next round of treatment that “might” work.
There is also the loss of a dream. The dream of the family that plays together or takes trips to the zoo together becomes the family that can’t even ride in the car together because one child attacks another. The dream of college for one’s kids becomes the dream of just getting through one day without a phone call from school. The dream of grandkids becomes a moral question of who controls reproductive rights for a severely impaired adult child.
Yet for those of us who parent children with mental illness, the dreams may change but we still dream. And we still find joy in parenting. When my child who has an attachment disorder gave me that first genuine hug, my eyes welled with tears of joy. When a child with bipolar says, “I don’t remember hitting you, mom, but I am sorry,” we are as proud as any parent. Owning behavior you don’t understand and aren’t even sure you can control is really taking responsibility.
Our dreams may differ from yours but through it all, we are all parents. All I ask is that you try to understand our children and our families. We all have burdens.
If we say a child’s behavior is extreme, please don’t tell me it’s all in my head. Why would I want my child to have a chronic illness? Please don’t let our children’s behavior blind you to their humanness and special gifts. It’s not a clich/ that some of these kids are extremely creative, they really are.
Our kids need you to be there for them just as you’re there for other kids in the community. Please don’t exclude them — or us. Help us find a place for our families because mental illness can be a very lonely place for everyone in the family. We need you.
And if you’re a parent of a child with a mental illness, please realize you are not alone. There are people who understand and who can help you find resources and support. I’ve found a lot of information and support through the NAMI National Web site (www.nami.org), the Eastern European Adoption Coalition (www.adopt.org), and the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation (www.bpkids.org).
Locally, we have the NAMI Visions for Tomorrow support group for parents of children like ours. SEABHS has a Family Support Program and your case manager can help you get in contact with a family support specialist. Finally, as the new representative to the SEABHS Board of Directors for youth and family members, I’d love to hear your opinions about the services you’ve received or questions you have. Your e-mails will be forwarded to me through Pat Wick at pat.wick @wickcommunications.com.
I had a good Mother’s Day, and while I might have to work a little harder for it, I cherish every “I love you Mommy” moment.
PAT WICK is assistant general manager of the Sierra Vista Herald/Bisbee Daily Review. She can be reached at 458-9440, Ext. 604.
Dee Dee wrote on Feb 13, 2008 5:26 PM:
Can you tell me how old you are and can you tell me what the doctors say now that the hardware is out?
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